英语学习

撵不走的斯蒂尔曼

生活中这样的人还真有——看看那些无可奈何的债主对欠自己钱的人故作笑颜的样子就知道了。

Steelman was a hard case. If you were married, and settled down, and were so unfortunate as to have known Steelman in other days, he would, if in your neighbourhood and deadbeat, be sure to look you up. He would find you anywhere, no matter what precautions you might take. If he came to your house, he would stay to tea without invitation, and if he stayed to tea, he would ask you to "fix up a shake-down on the floor, old man," and put him up for the night; and, if he stopped all night, he'd remain --- well, until something better turned up.

There was no shaking off Steelman. He had a way about him which would often make it appear as if you had invited him to stay, and pressed him against his roving inclination, and were glad to have him round for company, while he remained only out of pure goodwill to you. He didn't like to offend an old friend by refusing his invitation.

Steelman knew his men.

The married victim generally had neither the courage nor the ability to turn him out. He was cheerfully blind and deaf to all hints, and if the exasperated missus said anything to him straight, he would look shocked, and reply, as likely as not,

"Why, my good woman, you must be mad! I'm your husband's guest!"

And if she wouldn't cook for him, he'd cook for himself.

There was no choking him off. Few people care to call the police in a case like this; and besides, as before remarked, Steelman knew his men. The only way to escape from him was to move-----but then, as likely as not, he'd help pack up and come along with his portmanteau right on top of the last load of furniture, and drive you and your wife to the verge of madness by the calm style in which he proceeded to superintend the hanging of your pictures.

Once he quartered himself like this on an old schoolmate of his, named Brown, who had got married and steady and settled down. Brown tried all ways to get rid of Steelman, but he couldn't do it. One day Brown said to Steelman:

"Look here, Steely , old man, I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid we won't be able to accommodate you any longer --- to make you comfortable, I mean. You see, a sister of the missus is coming down on a visit for a month or two, and we ain't got any where to put her, except in your room. I wish the missus's relations to blazes! I didn't marry the whole blessed family; but it seems I've got to keep them."

Pause --- very awkward and painful for poor Brown. Discouraging silence from Steel man. Brown rested his elbows on his knees, and, with a pathetic and appealing mov ement of his hand across his forehead, he continued desperately:

"I'm very sorry, you see, old man ---- you know I'd like you to stay ----I want you to stay. It isn't my fault "it's the missus's doings. I've done my best with her, but I can't help it. I' ve been more like a master in my own house --- more comfortable ---- and I' ve been better treated since I' ve had you to back me up... I' ll feel mighty lonely, anyway, when you' re gone... but... you know... as soon as her sister goes ... you know..."

Here poor Brown broke down --- very sorry he had spoken at all; but Steely came to the rescue with a ray of light.

"What' s the matter with the little room at the back?" he asked.

"Oh, we couldn't think of putting you there," said Brown, with a last effort; it' s not fixed up; you wouldn't be comfortable, and besides, it' s damp, and you' d catch your death of cold. It was never meant for anything but a washhouse. I'm sorry I didn't get another room built on to the house."

"Bosh!" interrupted Steelman, cheerfully. "Catch a cold! Here I' ve been knocking about the country for the last five years --- sleeping out in all weathers --- and do you think a little damp is going to hurt me? Pooh! What do you take me for? Don't you bother your head about it any more, old man; I' ll fix up the lumber-room for myself, all right; and all you' ve got to do is to let me know when the sister -in-law business is coming on, and I' ll shift out of my room in time for the miss us to get it ready for her. Here, have you got a bob on you? I'll go out and get some beer. A drop will do you good."

"Well, if you can make yourself comfortable, I' ll be only too glad for you to stay," said Brown, wearily.

"You' d better invite some woman you know to come on a visit, and pass her off a s your sister," said Brown to his wife, while Steelman was gone for the beer. " I ' ve made a mess of it."

Mrs. Brown said, "I knew you would."

Steelman knew his men.

But at last Brown reckoned that he could stand it no longer. The thought of it m ade him so wild that he couldn't work. He took a day off to get thoroughly worked up in, came home that night full to the chin of indignation and Dunedin beer, and tried to kick Steelman out. And Steelman gave him a hiding.

Next morning Steelman was sitting beside Brown' s bed with a saucer of vinegar, some brown paper, a raw beef-steak, and a bottle of soda.

"Well, what have you got to say for yourself now, Brown?" he said, sternly. "Ain't you jolly well ashamed of yourself to come home in the beastly state you did last night, and insult a guest in your house, to say nothing of an old friend ---- and perhaps the best friend you ever had, if you only knew it? Anybody else would have given you in charge and got you three months for the assault. You ought to have some consideration for your wife and children, and your own character ---- even if you haven't any for your old mate' s feelings. Here, drink this, and let me fix you up a bit; the missus has got the breakfast waiting."�?

斯蒂尔曼是一个难对付的家伙。如果你结了婚、安了家，而又不幸以前曾认识斯蒂尔曼，那么只要他在你家附近而又闲着没事，他准会找上门来。不管你在什么地方，不管你采取了什么样的预防措施，他都会找到你。如果他到了你家，他会不邀自请地留下来喝茶，而他一留下来喝茶，就会叫你“在地板上搭个地铺，老伙计。”你就得安顿他过夜；而一旦留下来过夜，他就不再走了，直到有更好的机会出现。

斯蒂尔曼是甩不掉的。他自有一套办法，让情形看起来好像是你邀请他留下来似的，是你迫使他打消了流浪的念头，并且你很高兴让他留下来做伴，而他则是纯粹出于一片好心才留下来。他不愿意因拒绝邀请而得罪一个老朋友。

斯蒂尔曼了解与他相处的这些人。

已婚的受害者们通常既没有勇气也没有能力把他赶走。他乐呵呵地对所有的暗示装聋作哑，如果恼怒至极的主妇直截了当地对他说什么的话，他就会做出一副震惊的样子，并很有可能这样回答：

“什么，我的好女人，你一定是疯了！我可是你丈夫的客人啊！”

要是她不给他做饭，他就自己给自己做。

他是赶不走的。这种情况下没有多少人想到要叫警察；而且，如前所述，斯蒂尔曼了解与他相处的这些人。惟一能躲开他的办法就是搬家——但这时很可能他会帮着收拾行李，把他的手提箱正正地放在你的最后一件家具上面，跟着你一起搬走，尔后，镇静自若地指挥你们悬挂相片，逼得你和你的妻子都快发疯了。

一次，他就像这样住进了他的一个老同学布朗的家里，布朗已经结婚安家，过着稳定的生活。布朗用尽一切办法想赶走斯蒂尔曼，但都没成功。一天，布朗对斯蒂尔曼说：

“你看，斯蒂利，老伙计。真抱歉，恐怕我们不能再留你在家中住了——我是说，让你舒适地住在这儿。你看，我妻子的姐姐要来看我们，得在这儿住一两个月，可我们没地方给她住，只有你那个房间。我真希望我妻子的这些亲戚都下地狱！我娶的又不是她们该死的全家，但看样子我还是得照管她们。”

他停了下来——这对可怜的布朗来说相当尴尬和痛苦。而斯蒂尔曼令人失望地沉默着。布朗把胳膊肘支在膝盖上，可怜地、恳求地用手抚过前额，继续绝望地说道：“我非常抱歉，你知道，老伙计—— 你知道我希望你能留下来——我想让你留下来……这不能怪我——是我妻子这样做的。我已尽了最大的努力去劝说她，但无济于事。自从有了你的支持，我在自己家里才更像一个主人—— 过得更舒适——才得到更好的待遇……总之，你走了，我会感到非常孤独……但是……你知道……只要她姐姐一走……你知道……”

说到这儿，可怜的布朗说不下去了——非常后悔，觉得自己根本不该说这些，但斯蒂利却突然灵机一动，给他解了围。

“后面的小屋怎么样呢？”他问道。

“唉，我们可没有想过让你住那儿，”布朗说，他在做最后的努力：“屋子没修好；你住那儿不舒服，而且那儿又潮湿，你在那儿会得要命的感冒的。那儿只能作洗衣房。我后悔当初没在这所房子旁边再盖一个房间。”

“胡说！”斯蒂尔曼快活地打断了他的话。“感冒！过去这五年来我一直在乡村漂泊——什么天气下都在露天里睡过觉——你以为这一点点潮湿会伤害我吗？呸！你把我当成什么人了？别再为这事伤神了，老伙计；我自己会修好那个杂物间，行了吧；而你要做的就是告诉我你的妻姐什么时候来，我就及时地搬出我的房间，让你夫人为她把房间收拾好。好了，你身上有一个先令吗？我要出去搞点儿酒。喝上一小口对你会有好处。”

“好吧，如果你能使自己舒服，留下来我当然很高兴。”布朗疲倦地说。

“你最好请哪个认识的女人到我们家来吧，让她冒充你的姐姐。”在斯蒂尔曼出去打酒时，布朗对他的妻子说，“我把事情搞得一团糟。”

布朗夫人说：“我就知道会这样。”

斯蒂尔曼了解与他相处的这些人。

但最后布朗觉得自己已忍无可忍了。一想起这事他就狂躁得无法工作。他请了一天假来使自己彻底激愤起来，到了晚上他回到家时，心里充满愤恨，肚里装满了度丁啤酒，试图赶走斯蒂尔曼。而斯蒂尔曼却躲开了。

第二天早上，斯蒂尔曼坐在布朗的床边，手里拿着一碟醋、一些牛皮纸、一块生牛排和一瓶苏打水。

“好了，现在你对自己还有什么可说的，布朗？”他很严厉地说，“难道你真不为你昨天晚上回家时像畜牲一样的行为感到羞耻吗？在自己家里侮辱一个客人，何况还是一个老朋友—— 而且如果你意识到的话，很可能是你有过的最好的朋友。就凭你的攻击行为，换了别人早把你交给警察，关你三个月了。即使你一点不考虑老朋友的感受，你也应当为你夫人和孩子想想，还有你自己的人品。来，把这个喝了，我给你收拾一下；你夫人已经把早餐做好了。”