Dear Maggie,

I was lucky. I grew up in a happy family. I've always had a full stomach. I've always had a roof on top of my head and a blanket to sleep under. I'm a university student now, and in two more years I'll have a university degree. But I still feel unsatisfied. I feel as if there is still something missing. It's like I forgot to do something, or I lost something valuable but I can't remember what it is. When I was a child, I always wanted to be a doctor. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a movie star. But now none of that interests me. I don't know what I want. And there is the feeling that I have inside that keeps telling me that I'm incomplete. And this feeling also makes me question my existence and myself. I want to find the missing piece. Maybe after I do, I'll feel at peace. But how do I do that? And is this a normal feeling?

Love,
Black Horse

Dear Black Horse,

(Before I answer you, I'm obliged to tell you and my other readers that this wouldn't be my normal, straight to the point answer. Black Horse, I know your letter was quite longer than this. But I've downsized it, as I do to other letters, for it to fit the page. This way I would have more to say, and you, my readers, would have more to read. This letter in particular aroused my interest. It started a new train of thought in my head. So I decided to add to my routine advice my personal opinion on this controversial topic! Enjoy!)

Black Horse, have you ever thought of what you lost? Maybe you haven't lost anything? Maybe you didn't have this missing object to miss in the first place? Maybe what you believe is missing isn't a part of you yet. Or you just don't know it exists. But the way you described your life with these few lines, you saw the material side of it. Did it ever occur to you that what might be missing is something beyond material? Love? Friendship maybe? And you view this missing thing as a part of your inner world? Maybe it isn't necessarily so! A professor of mine once told me, in his own words, that he's always pondered over one question. "Is there such a thing as self creation?" And maybe you'll find your answer by seeing it my professor's way. Allow me to explain.

Now we always hear ourselves say, "I need to re-invent myself." Or, "I need to turn my whole life around." Or sometimes, "I decided to be more mysterious!" Well,this professor of mine believes that recreating yourself, and when I say yourself I mean your character, isn't as easy as it sounds, because it's controlled more externally rather than internally. In a blunt expression I'd say this: You are not what you choose to be. So the question is now, who is the real me? And how is the real me created? You would ask, "If I find that there is a missing part, where do I look for it if it's not here with me?"

If you're a university sophomore, then you must be around... 19? Am I correct? You're still at the beginning of your life. You still need to explore, not only the outer world, but also your inner self. Now here's the tricky part, where IS my inner self? Where can I find it? And this isn't strange or unique in any way. People of our age constantly go through this. It's because, in my opinion, we're at the stage of transition from childhood to adulthood. Probably by the time you're my professor's age, and I'm not giving any names, you'll come up with something as similar. Did I lose you? Wait. Maybe this is easier with examples. Here's one.Before, all you worried about was, "I hope Mommy didn't add broccoli to today's dinner!" In a few more years you'll be wondering, "Where's my next meal coming from?" or, "Will I go through the month with what I have?" And before long you'll be thinking, "My kids need more nutrition. Red meat and broccoli would be the trick." That was just an example of the many things that rush through your mind before, during, and after your transitional period.

Here's another example. Suddenly, what you thought important and valuable to get you through a day a couple of years ago seems so trivial to you now that you laugh at your older self's stupidity.

My brother and sister are both 17 now. I look at the way they view life and I laugh. If my sister didn't get her 'Free Friday', her whole world falls apart. If my brother missed one-day allowance, he would spend the rest of the week asking myfather to make it up for him. Sometimes he'd ask for interest. But looking back,I was exactly like that. If you want the truth, I think I was worse. Then I grew up. I'm still growing up. But I have this theory about the stages of what goes through one's mind while growing. Hear me out. We have four very important universal stages in life:

1. Years from 1-12: You want to know everything about everything. You don't want to miss a thing. You walk around with your eyes open wide, taking notes of everything you see.

2. Years 13-19: You're center of the universe. Anything and everything important should apply to you and you alone. (This is the first phase of your transitional period.)

3. Years 20-25: You know it all. You've seen anything and everything there is to see in your extremely short life. You have the answers to everything, even to the most complicated problems. The Middle-East Crisis to you is non-sense. You give advice to the young ones. And you equalize yourself to your elders. (Year 25 marks the end of phase two of your transitional period.)

4. Years 26 and on: I still don't know. Just give me a few years and then I'll fill you in.

But something very interesting happens after you've reached your fourth stage. At a point, this stage ends. And you're back to stage one. I'm not sure whether it happens during one's mid-life crisis or after, but it happens.

Now, let's get back to my original topic. With all this in mind, don't you think the way you are and the way you view yourself is exactly how society shaped you?In every stage of your life, and every action or re-action you have in differentsituations, are really controlled by how what's outside yourself sees you as. Your real self is just a reflection of how others see you. It's like looking in the mirror and you're the mirror image! So maybe what's missing is out there in someone else. And that's where relationships come in. You may find it in socializing with others.

So Black Horse, wait until you're in stage four. You might then find the 'missing piece'. Now, do you want to know what's going on in MY mind? I'm in stage three. I'm in the stage where I think I know everything. I don't know what's worse. You believing me, and finding my words true, or me being under the impression that I have the answers. Or, like my father, you may disagree with me and believe it isn't so. (I may have even misunderstood my professor!) There! I've given you something to think about, haven't I?

Oh! And Black Horse, It's perfectly normal! But then again I'm at stage three....

Yours,
Maggie