A Perfect Gift for Dad?

The Parable1 of the Shorts

给爸爸的完美礼物？——关于内裤的寓言

Father's Day2 is coming, and millions of children and/or wives are thinking: "This year, I think I'll get Dad a nice casual shirt."

Fine. Go ahead. Although you might want to ask yourself a couple of questions first, such as: Does Dad WANT another nice casual shirt? Have you noticed that Dad currently OWNS approximately 73 nice casual shirts, and he wears only two of them? And that he wears one of those two only when the other one is really dirty? Do you honestly believe that Dad is thinking: "Boy, I wish I had Another shirt, so I could not wear it!"

Of course not. Dad is thinking...

... O.K., never mind what Dad is thinking. Nobody ever really knows what Dad is thinking, including, much of the time, Dad. But trust me, he does not want a shirt.

"But,?you say, "when I gave him a shirt last year, he appeared to like it!"

Of course he did. Like all fathers, he has learned to simulate3 sincere appreciation for gifts that he has absolutely no use for. That's why Dad always responded so positively back when you used to give him — and I hope you no longer do this, although I undersand it still happens, even in 21st century America — a tie.

"Wow!" Dad would go. "A piece of cloth to knot tightly around my neck, strikingly similar to the numerous other pieces of neck cloth wadded together4 in the back of my closet!"

In my entire life, I have met two men who were genuinely interested in ties. Both of these men were in the tie industry.

Dads are so good at feigning appreciation that they even were able, years ago, to pretend they were happy to receive cologne5. This was back in the dark days of cologne-giving, which mercifully came to an end after the horrible 1986 tragedy in Cincinnati6 wherein a 72-year-old man's house collapsed under the weight of the estimated 2,000 unopened bottles of Old Spice that he had stored in his attic.

"O.K.,"you are saying, "then what SHOULD I get for Dad? If I ask him what he wants, he always say, "Oh, nothing.'"

That's because he knows that if he told you what he really wants, you wouldn't give it to him.

For example, let's consider the area of clothing. The nicest Father's Day surpprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting on a bed of folded tissue, was the pair of his undershorts that somebody threw away six months ago (without asking Dad) because they had reached the stage where they were 3 percent undershorts and 97 percent holes. Dad misses those undershorts. They were his Faithful Undershorts Companion7.

But of course now they are in a landfill8 somewhere, along with Dad's Led Zeppelin9 T-shirt, which Dad bought and wore at a 1972 concert during which he stood on his seat and sang "Whole Lotta Love."10 (Yes! Dad did this!) Somebody threw the shirt away two years ago (without asking Dad) because it had a bunch of stains, which happened to have great sentimental value to Dad, because ...

... O.K., never mind about the stains. The point is that you cannot give Dad these things for Father's Day. But you know what you CAN give him? You can give him what he always tells you he wants: Nothing.

I mean it. For Dad, the perfect Father's Day would be one in which he didn't even realize that it WAS Father's Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn't want or read greeting cards filled with lame11 Father's Day poetry:

"When I was just a little tyke12,
you showed me how to ride a bike;
And you were sweet to me the day,
I drove your car into the bay;
Dad, I think you're really grand,
I'm praying for your prostate gland!"13

There would be none of this, on the perfect Father's Day. There woule be just Dad, wearing his oldest surviving undershorts, free of pressure, maybe just sitting in front of the TV, watching the NBA playoffs14.

There would be no conversation, other than Dad periodically observing that these players today could carry the ball across Montana and never get called for traveling.15

That's how you can give Dad the perfect Father's Day. Of course, that's not all. You'd also make a restaurant reservation, and at the end of the day, you'd dress up and go out and have a nice dinner, during which you'd propose a toast to Dad. Who would be back home, in front of the TV, happily asleep in his veteran underwear. That would be PERFECT.

But you're going to get him a shirt.


1．parable: 寓言；隐晦的比较。此处第一种释义似更讲得通。从文章来看，“内裤(shorts)”说明了一个道理，因此可以说，“关于内裤的寓言”。
2．Father's Day:父亲节，每年6月的第三个星期日。
3．simulate: 假装。与下文中的feign同义。
4．wadded together: 被揉成一团的（过去分词短语）。
5．cologne: 科隆香水或称古龙香水。因为此香水的原产地为德国西部城市科隆，故名。
6．Cincinnati:辛辛那提，美国俄亥俄州西南部城市。
7．Faithful Undershorts Companion: 忠实的内裤伴侣。这里是拟人化的用法。本文中有多处为了强调某种意义，把整个单词大写（在共他地方有时也用斜体），如WANT, OWNS, ANOTHER, SHOULD, CAN, WAS, PERFECT。这些都是作者为了达到特殊的修辞效果常用的“拼写变异法”。
8．landfill：垃圾填埋地。
9．Led Zeppelin: 一种T恤衫的品牌。
10．“Whole Lotta Love”: 即Whole Lot of Love,歌曲名。
11．lame: 蹩脚的。应时之作大都如此，“Father's Day Poetry”就像一首“打油诗（doggerel）”。
12．tyke: 小孩子，淘气鬼。一般在口语中使用，诗作者用此词是为了与下句的bike压脚韵。
13．prostate gland: 前列腺。
14．playoff：（常规赛后的）夺标决赛。
15．这句是夸张的说法，意思是如今的球员可以持球走过蒙大拿州也不会判为持球犯规。call:（裁判）判定；traveling：持球走，在篮球比赛中属犯规动作。