英语学习

Ought to in Aught Two

02灵感

By Eric Broder■山西省医科大学孙军译注

Two thousand and two is going to be my breakout year. You best get out of the way, because this is not going to be pretty.

For a long time, I believed that "healthy, wealthy and wise" automatically followed "early to bed and early to rise." I have recently been disabused of this notion. I go to bed at 10 p.m. and wake up at 6 a.m.. Yet my finances are still deep inside the red zone, and I continue to feel crappy and stupid most of the time. The fact is, you also have to do something constructive between those remaining hours. Which is precisely the plan for this year.

In 2002, the waking hours will be quality time. For a change.

Personal appearance and diet

It is high time I dress for success. This office is a study in hipness, and yet I continue to wear shirts and trousers from the Ozzie Nelson1 collection.

So dig my 2002 wardrobe: black turtlenecks, black bell-bottoms, Skechers2 hobnailed boots, tiny, mean spectacles and a shaved head. My co-workers currently view me as a slightly out-of-it older fellow who may possibly have sustained minor brain damage. They are about to find out that I didn't! Sustain minor brain damage! I may even draw on a tattoo or pierce something.

As for the diet, it needs a smidgen more balance. I do eat one salad per week (slathered in creamy Italian dressing with crumbled blue cheese on the side), but my fare mainly consists of crackers, assorted cheeses, Sugardale Coneys, onion bagels, Peter Pan Creamy, ground beef, Dan-Dee Bar-B-Q potato chips and Pennysticks pretzels.3 (As I inventory it, this diet does appear a bit more revolting than I first thought.)

I hit the nadir last week with my lunch consisting of a bowl of bean soup and a MoonPie.4 When beans and marshmallows encounter each other in your digestive system, it makes the Browns Stadium5 bottle-chucking man look like a preschooler in tea party. It's an absolute debacle.

In 2002, I will try to eat at least two salads a week, accompany my burgers with a V86 and consume a canned fruit medley at the office every other day. Voila! Every nutritional requirement fulfilled while maintaining caloric integrity. Maybe I will lose this waxy British pallor once and for all.

Growing personal wealth

Every year I ask myself the same question: When the hell am I gonna cash in? Where is the big American payoff for yours truly?7

Then it came to me: I will write a book! "But you don't know anything about anything," you say. I know, but since when has that stopped anyone? Particularly a novelist.

That's right. I am going to write fiction—genre fiction. I am going to write a mystery set at a weekly newspaper. This way, I can work in things I am familiar with (writers, editors, newspaper production), and research things I don't know so much about (murder). But really, how much research do I have to do for that, besides watching a few old Columbos?8

I am thinking of a story involving a demented freelance writer who begins to serial-kill editors after one misspells the freelancer's name in a byline. I will work editing and proofreading into the story as critical elements. I even had the perfect title—The Corrections. Shit.

But I have alternates:
The Editors Puked Blood
Copy Desk of Death
The Virgin Editors
Seeyouinhell.doc
I Spit on Your Edits
Who Moved My Clause?

The title is everything. Once you nail that, you are on your way. See you on Oprah.9

The getting of wisdom

Who needs it if you wear outtasight10 clothes, mix canned Del Monte11 fruit cocktail into your diet and have a major book deal—I will settle for two out of three. That's wisdom right there.

2002年将是我取得突破的一年。你最好别挡道，那不会有什么好结果。

长期以来，我以为“早睡早起”自然会带来“健康、财富和智慧”。最近我已经从这种观念中醒悟过来。我10点上床，6点起床。可我的经济状况依然深陷在赤字当中，而且大多数时候我都觉得自己又蹩脚又愚蠢。实际上，（除了早睡早起之外），你还必须在其他的时间里做一些有建设性的事情。这正是我今年的计划。

在2002年，我会让醒着的时间更有质量。我要寻求改变。

个人面貌和膳食

我早该为成功而穿着了。办公室已经成了时尚研究会，而我还穿着奥兹·内尔森风格的衬衫和裤子。

那么来看看我2002年的行头：黑色高翻领毛衣、黑色喇叭裤、斯克切斯平头钉靴、小小的劣质眼镜和一个刮过的脑袋。现在同事们还把我看成一个可能遭受过轻度脑损伤、有点痴呆的老家伙。很快他们就会发现：我没有！遭受轻度脑损伤！我甚至还可能弄个文身、搞个穿刺什么的。

关于膳食，我需要多一点儿平衡。是的，我每周吃一次沙拉（放了大量奶油色的意大利沙拉油，外加弄碎的蓝纹奶酪）。但我的食谱主要是由以下这些东西组成：饼干、混合奶酪、苏加代尔鲑鱼、洋葱百吉饼、彼得·潘奶油巧克力、碎牛肉、丹迪炸薯片以及彭尼斯蒂克斯椒盐卷饼。（在我列出这张食谱的时候，发现它的确显得比我原来想的更让人厌恶。）上个星期我的午餐是一碗蚕豆汤和一个月亮饼，这使我的感觉到了最低点。当豆子和蜀葵糖剂在你的消化系统中相逢的时候，会使一个在布朗斯体育场扔瓶子的男子汉看起来像茶会上的学前儿童。真是个彻头彻尾的灾难。

2002年，我将尽量做到每周至少吃两份沙拉，吃汉堡的时候来上一瓶V8，每隔一天在办公室吃一个杂拌水果罐头。瞧！什么营养都全了，热量也充分。也许我就要彻底摆脱像英国人那样蜡一般苍白的脸色了。

致富之道

每年我都会问自己同样的问题：究竟什么时候我才能挣到钱？我的“美国大钱”究竟在何方？

于是我想到：我要写书！“可你啥也不懂，”你们会说。我明白，可这曾经给任何人造成过障碍吗？——尤其是对小说家来说。

不错，我打算写小说——类型小说。我准备写一系列推理小说在周报上连载。这样，我就可以写那些我熟悉的事情（作家、编辑、报纸生产），同时研究我不那么了解的事情（谋杀）。不过说实在的，除了看几集老掉牙的《神探科伦布》以外，还有多少研究是我必须做的呢？

我在构思一个故事，一个神经错乱的自由作家的故事。因为一个编辑在署名栏里拼错了他的名字，他就开始了对编辑们的系列谋杀。我将把编辑和校对用作故事的关键元素，名字我都想好了——《改错》。太烂了！

但我也有其他选择：
《喋血编辑》
《死亡编辑部》
《处女编辑》
《去死吧.doc》
《我向你的稿子吐口水》
《谁动了我的从句？》

书名就是一切。一旦搞懂了这一点，你就上路了。等着上“欧普拉”吧。

获得智慧

如果你衣着光鲜，把德蒙特什锦水果罐头当做家常便饭，又在书上面做成了一票大买卖，那还要智慧干吗？——这三样里我能有两样就满足了。智慧就在那里面。

1．Ozzie Nelson：美国四、五十年代的著名演员、导演和音乐人。他的一家是50年代美国家庭的象征。此处作者用以象征过时的品味。
2．Skechers：美国鞋类品牌，风格前卫。
3．Sugardale：美国家族食品企业，主营火腿、火鸡等肉类食品。Peter Pan Creamy：美国奶油巧克力品牌。Dan-Dee：美国老牌薯片生产商，成立于1913年。Pennysticks：美国饼干品牌。
4. MoonPie：美国田纳西州查塔努加面包店（Chattanooga Bakery）生产的一种夹心饼。
5．Browns Stadium：应是指Cleveland Browns Stadium，是美国职业橄榄球队Cleveland Browns队的主场。
6．V8：美国的一种天然维生素饮品。
7．yours truly：习惯用语，指我、自己。
8．Columbos：指美国六、七十年代的电视连续剧《神探科伦布》。
9．Oprah：此处指欧普拉·温弗丽（Oprah Winfrey）主持的电视节目。欧普拉·温弗丽是美国著名脱口秀主持人和图书俱乐部专家。她所选中的书通常会成为畅销书，能获邀参加她的节目的作家通常都是畅销书作家。
10．outtasight：60年代美国俚语，等于fantastic，有古怪的、极好的之意。
11．Del Monte：美国著名食品公司，生产高级蔬果制品。fruit cocktail：什锦水果。

	Ought to in Aught Two 02灵感 By Eric Broder■山西省医科大学孙军译注
	Two thousand and two is going to be my breakout year. You best get out of the way, because this is not going to be pretty. For a long time, I believed that "healthy, wealthy and wise" automatically followed "early to bed and early to rise." I have recently been disabused of this notion. I go to bed at 10 p.m. and wake up at 6 a.m.. Yet my finances are still deep inside the red zone, and I continue to feel crappy and stupid most of the time. The fact is, you also have to do something constructive between those remaining hours. Which is precisely the plan for this year. In 2002, the waking hours will be quality time. For a change. Personal appearance and diet It is high time I dress for success. This office is a study in hipness, and yet I continue to wear shirts and trousers from the Ozzie Nelson1 collection. So dig my 2002 wardrobe: black turtlenecks, black bell-bottoms, Skechers2 hobnailed boots, tiny, mean spectacles and a shaved head. My co-workers currently view me as a slightly out-of-it older fellow who may possibly have sustained minor brain damage. They are about to find out that I didn't! Sustain minor brain damage! I may even draw on a tattoo or pierce something. As for the diet, it needs a smidgen more balance. I do eat one salad per week (slathered in creamy Italian dressing with crumbled blue cheese on the side), but my fare mainly consists of crackers, assorted cheeses, Sugardale Coneys, onion bagels, Peter Pan Creamy, ground beef, Dan-Dee Bar-B-Q potato chips and Pennysticks pretzels.3 (As I inventory it, this diet does appear a bit more revolting than I first thought.) I hit the nadir last week with my lunch consisting of a bowl of bean soup and a MoonPie.4 When beans and marshmallows encounter each other in your digestive system, it makes the Browns Stadium5 bottle-chucking man look like a preschooler in tea party. It's an absolute debacle. In 2002, I will try to eat at least two salads a week, accompany my burgers with a V86 and consume a canned fruit medley at the office every other day. Voila! Every nutritional requirement fulfilled while maintaining caloric integrity. Maybe I will lose this waxy British pallor once and for all. Growing personal wealth Every year I ask myself the same question: When the hell am I gonna cash in? Where is the big American payoff for yours truly?7 Then it came to me: I will write a book! "But you don't know anything about anything," you say. I know, but since when has that stopped anyone? Particularly a novelist. That's right. I am going to write fiction—genre fiction. I am going to write a mystery set at a weekly newspaper. This way, I can work in things I am familiar with (writers, editors, newspaper production), and research things I don't know so much about (murder). But really, how much research do I have to do for that, besides watching a few old Columbos?8 I am thinking of a story involving a demented freelance writer who begins to serial-kill editors after one misspells the freelancer's name in a byline. I will work editing and proofreading into the story as critical elements. I even had the perfect title—The Corrections. Shit. But I have alternates: The Editors Puked Blood Copy Desk of Death The Virgin Editors Seeyouinhell.doc I Spit on Your Edits Who Moved My Clause? The title is everything. Once you nail that, you are on your way. See you on Oprah.9 The getting of wisdom Who needs it if you wear outtasight10 clothes, mix canned Del Monte11 fruit cocktail into your diet and have a major book deal—I will settle for two out of three. That's wisdom right there.	2002年将是我取得突破的一年。你最好别挡道，那不会有什么好结果。长期以来，我以为“早睡早起”自然会带来“健康、财富和智慧”。最近我已经从这种观念中醒悟过来。我10点上床，6点起床。可我的经济状况依然深陷在赤字当中，而且大多数时候我都觉得自己又蹩脚又愚蠢。实际上，（除了早睡早起之外），你还必须在其他的时间里做一些有建设性的事情。这正是我今年的计划。在2002年，我会让醒着的时间更有质量。我要寻求改变。个人面貌和膳食我早该为成功而穿着了。办公室已经成了时尚研究会，而我还穿着奥兹·内尔森风格的衬衫和裤子。那么来看看我2002年的行头：黑色高翻领毛衣、黑色喇叭裤、斯克切斯平头钉靴、小小的劣质眼镜和一个刮过的脑袋。现在同事们还把我看成一个可能遭受过轻度脑损伤、有点痴呆的老家伙。很快他们就会发现：我没有！遭受轻度脑损伤！我甚至还可能弄个文身、搞个穿刺什么的。关于膳食，我需要多一点儿平衡。是的，我每周吃一次沙拉（放了大量奶油色的意大利沙拉油，外加弄碎的蓝纹奶酪）。但我的食谱主要是由以下这些东西组成：饼干、混合奶酪、苏加代尔鲑鱼、洋葱百吉饼、彼得·潘奶油巧克力、碎牛肉、丹迪炸薯片以及彭尼斯蒂克斯椒盐卷饼。（在我列出这张食谱的时候，发现它的确显得比我原来想的更让人厌恶。）上个星期我的午餐是一碗蚕豆汤和一个月亮饼，这使我的感觉到了最低点。当豆子和蜀葵糖剂在你的消化系统中相逢的时候，会使一个在布朗斯体育场扔瓶子的男子汉看起来像茶会上的学前儿童。真是个彻头彻尾的灾难。 2002年，我将尽量做到每周至少吃两份沙拉，吃汉堡的时候来上一瓶V8，每隔一天在办公室吃一个杂拌水果罐头。瞧！什么营养都全了，热量也充分。也许我就要彻底摆脱像英国人那样蜡一般苍白的脸色了。致富之道每年我都会问自己同样的问题：究竟什么时候我才能挣到钱？我的“美国大钱”究竟在何方？于是我想到：我要写书！“可你啥也不懂，”你们会说。我明白，可这曾经给任何人造成过障碍吗？——尤其是对小说家来说。不错，我打算写小说——类型小说。我准备写一系列推理小说在周报上连载。这样，我就可以写那些我熟悉的事情（作家、编辑、报纸生产），同时研究我不那么了解的事情（谋杀）。不过说实在的，除了看几集老掉牙的《神探科伦布》以外，还有多少研究是我必须做的呢？我在构思一个故事，一个神经错乱的自由作家的故事。因为一个编辑在署名栏里拼错了他的名字，他就开始了对编辑们的系列谋杀。我将把编辑和校对用作故事的关键元素，名字我都想好了——《改错》。太烂了！但我也有其他选择：《喋血编辑》《死亡编辑部》《处女编辑》《去死吧.doc》《我向你的稿子吐口水》《谁动了我的从句？》书名就是一切。一旦搞懂了这一点，你就上路了。等着上“欧普拉”吧。获得智慧如果你衣着光鲜，把德蒙特什锦水果罐头当做家常便饭，又在书上面做成了一票大买卖，那还要智慧干吗？——这三样里我能有两样就满足了。智慧就在那里面。
	1．Ozzie Nelson：美国四、五十年代的著名演员、导演和音乐人。他的一家是50年代美国家庭的象征。此处作者用以象征过时的品味。 2．Skechers：美国鞋类品牌，风格前卫。 3．Sugardale：美国家族食品企业，主营火腿、火鸡等肉类食品。Peter Pan Creamy：美国奶油巧克力品牌。Dan-Dee：美国老牌薯片生产商，成立于1913年。Pennysticks：美国饼干品牌。 4. MoonPie：美国田纳西州查塔努加面包店（Chattanooga Bakery）生产的一种夹心饼。 5．Browns Stadium：应是指Cleveland Browns Stadium，是美国职业橄榄球队Cleveland Browns队的主场。 6．V8：美国的一种天然维生素饮品。 7．yours truly：习惯用语，指我、自己。 8．Columbos：指美国六、七十年代的电视连续剧《神探科伦布》。 9．Oprah：此处指欧普拉·温弗丽（Oprah Winfrey）主持的电视节目。欧普拉·温弗丽是美国著名脱口秀主持人和图书俱乐部专家。她所选中的书通常会成为畅销书，能获邀参加她的节目的作家通常都是畅销书作家。 10．outtasight：60年代美国俚语，等于fantastic，有古怪的、极好的之意。 11．Del Monte：美国著名食品公司，生产高级蔬果制品。fruit cocktail：什锦水果。