Go Forth,
Ye Class of 2002, and Bring Home the Bacon
And so we are gathered here today- you, the
eager members of the Class of 2002, and we,
your family members, who will sit on these hard folding chairs until
every last eager one of you has picked up a diploma, at which point
we will feel as though the entire Riverdance troupe has been stomping
on our buttocks.2
Because, gosh, there sure are a LOT of you in the Class of 2002! We
in the audience are wondering if there is anybody in North America besides
us who is NOT graduating today. And although we know this is very exciting
for you, the Class of 2002, we are fighting to stay awake.
We have already engaged in the traditional
time-passing activities of commencement audiences, such as trying to
remember the names of all Seven Dwarfs, and looking through the commencement
program for comical graduate names.
We have nudged the person sitting next to us and pointed to names
like "Konrad A. Klamsucker Jr." And "Vorbanna Freepitude,"
and that has given us brief moments of happiness.
But we can only do that for so long, Class of 2002, and now we are
feeling the despair that comes over members of a commencement audience
when they realize that 40 minutes have passed, and the dean is just
now starting to hand out diplomas to people whose last names start with
"D," and the last name of the lone graduate we actually came
to see starts with "W."
We have decided that, if we ever have another
child threatening to graduate from college, we're going to have that
child's name legally changed to "Aaron A. Aardvark.?Yes, the other
families in the audience will make fun of it. But their laughter will
turn to bitter envy when our child gets his diploma first, and we get
up off these folding chairs and head for a restaurant! Ha ha!
We also think it would be nice if commencement programs had interesting
articles for the audience to read, or even short works of fiction with
appropriate educational themes. ("As Vorbanna walked across the
stage, her tassel swaying seductively, Konrad watched her, his sweating
hands caressing the smooth hardness of his embossed leatherette diploma
cover, and he thought about that unforgettable night when the two of
them, for the first time, matriculated.")
Another option would be to show movies during the commencement ceremonies.
Wouldn't that be great? While we were waiting for specific graduates
to get their diplomas, we could enjoy such classic education-related
cinema moments as the scene in "Animal House? where John Belushi
imitates a giant pimple by squeezing his cheeks and spewing chewed food
out of his mouth.
That would surely get a roar of delight and approval from the audience,
and whichever graduate happened to be on the stage at that moment would
think, "Gosh, they certainly are excited about my bachelor's degree
in Business Transportation with a minor in Tire Management!" So
everybody would benefit.
Sadly, Class of 2002, we are not yet ready, as a society, for this kind
of progressive commencement concept. Because the world is not a perfect
place.
It is a world filled with malice and evil, a world where, today, none
of us is truly safe, even in our homes, from the very real danger that
a total stranger will call us up and demand that we change our phone
company. It will be up to you, the Class of 2002, to tackle these problems
?not only to build a better society for tomorrow, but also to take bold
action to correct the injustices of the past, starting by promising
to pay your parents back for your college tuition.
Ha ha! That was commencement humor, Class of 2002. Your parents do
not expect you to pay them back. All that they expect is that you will
go out and find your place in the world. Notice that we say, "The
world ," as opposed to, "your parents'house." Your parents
love you very, very much, Class of 2002, but at this stage in their
lives, if they could choose between living with you and living with
a Labrador retriever4, they quite frankly would go with the Labrador
retriever. For one thing, it will not expect them to do its laundry.
In closing, Class of 2002, we would like to leave you with some words
of wisdom ?words that may mean little to you now, but words that, trust
us, you will some day want very much to remember. Those words are: Sleepy,
Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey5 and two other ones. Thank you, good luck,
and we'll meet you at the restaurant.
去吧，2002届毕业生，承担起你们的责任
跃跃欲试的2002届毕业生，今天我们在这里济济一堂。作为你们的家人，我们将坐在这些硬邦邦的折椅上，直到满怀期待的你们都领取到文凭，到那个时候，我们的感觉会像是整个大河舞蹈团在我们屁股上跳踢踏舞。
因为，天哪，你们2002届的毕业生真是多！我们坐在观众席里不禁要问：除了我们这些家长，北美是否还有人不在今天毕业？尽管我们知道这个时刻对于你们--2002届的毕业生来说，非常地激动人心，但我们却得强打精神。
我们已经用了毕业典礼上观众开小差的传统办法，比如回忆七个小矮人的名字和在毕业生名单中寻找可笑的名字。
我们还轻轻推推邻座，指着像"小康拉德·A·克莱姆苏克尔"、"沃班娜·弗里皮图德"这样的名字以获得片刻的开心。
但是，2002届的毕业生们，这种小把戏只能到此为止。我们感受到观众的绝望--当他们意识到40分钟过去了，院长发文凭才发到姓氏以D开头的学生。而我们来看的那个毕业生的姓是字母W打头的。
我们下定决心，要是我们面临还有一个孩子大学毕业的"威胁"，一定要合法地给他改名为"阿伦·A·埃阿德佛克"。当然喽，观众席里的其他家庭也许会取笑我们。但等我们的孩子第一个拿到毕业证书后，我们从这些折椅上站起来，向饭馆进发时，他们的笑声就会变为痛苦的嫉妒！哈哈！
我们还觉得，要是毕业典礼上能为观众提供一些有趣的文章读读就好了，哪怕是合于教育目的的短篇小说也好。（"当沃班娜走过主席台，她帽子上的流苏摆动着，令人心醉神迷。康拉德望着她，用汗津津的手抚摩着又硬又滑字体隆起的人造革文凭封面。这时，他想起了他俩第一次报到时那个难忘的夜晚"。）
还有一个办法就是在毕业典礼上放电影。
这样不好吗？我们在等候某个毕业生领文凭的同时，可以欣赏像《动物屋》这样与学校有关的经典电影的片断：约翰·贝鲁西模仿一个脸上长满丘疹的巨人，双手挤着脸，从嘴里喷出嚼过的东西。
这样的镜头肯定会引起观众的满堂喝彩。这时，不管哪位正好轮到上台的毕业生都会这样想："啊呀，他们一定是为我获得主修商务运输辅修轮胎管理的学士学位而激动吧。"这岂不皆大欢喜？
悲乎，2002届毕业生！目前我们的社会尚未能接受如此前卫的毕业典礼观念，毕竟这个世界还不是尽善尽美。
这是一个充满着怨恨和邪恶的世界，在这个世界上，没有一个人是真正安全的，即使在自己家里，我们也无法避免诸如一个素不相识的人打来电话，要求我们变换注册的电话公司这种实实在在的危险。2002届的毕业生们，这些问题将由你们来解决。你们不但要为明天建设更加美好的世界，还要采取有力的措施纠正以往的不公正，就从答应偿还父母为你们支付的大学学费开始吧。
哈哈！2002届的毕业生们，这只是一种毕业典礼上的幽默。你们的父母并不指望你们偿还学费。他们所期望的是你们走出家门，在这个世界上找到自己的位置。请注意我们说的�"世界"，而不是"你们父母的家"。2002届的毕业生们，你们的父母非常非常地爱你们，但是在他们人生的这个阶段，如果他们可以选择，那么在你和纽芬兰拾
之间，他们会很坦率地选择后者与他们一同生活。至少，它不会指望他们为它洗衣服。
2002届的毕业生们，最后，我们将留给你们几个词，它们可都是至理名言。这些词现在对你们也许没什么意义，但是，请相信我们，总有一天你们会特别希望能记起它们。它们是：昏昏欲睡、坏脾气、常打喷嚏、开心、无精打采，还有另外两个。谢谢你们，祝你们好运，饭馆见。
1.
ye: 你们，你。古体字，现一般为诗歌用语。
bring
home the bacon: 常用于口语中，此处指负起责任或获得成功。
2.
Riverdance Troupe:"大河之舞"，是闻名全球的爱尔兰演出团体，演出极富民族特色，以演出踢踏舞闻名。
stomping
on our buttocks: 在我们的屁股上跳踢踏舞。这里是幽默的说法，表示家长们已如坐针毡，坐不住了。 3.
Animal
House: 影片《动物屋》，摄制于1978年，讲述大学中男生会大闹笑话的故事。约翰·贝鲁西主演，这个又肥又矮、长相滑稽的银幕新人藉此片迅速走红，影片也创下了惊人的票房。
4.
labrador retriever: 一种猎犬，学名纽芬兰拾
，有叼物归主的习性。
5.
Sleepy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey:
作者在前文中提到了seven dwarfs，这是其中五个小矮人的名字。这是1939年曾获奥斯卡奖的迪斯尼经典动画片《白雪公主》中的七个小矮人，情节与同名童话故事有较大差别，其他两位是
Bashful（害羞鬼）和
Doc（老学究）。
